Saturday, March 9, 2013

On Serious Topics, Like Suicide

This is the second suicide of a kid in my school system.
His name was Tyler, and he was in ninth grade.
The first was Sydney, and she was a senior.
I was so grateful as I was scrolling through Facebook today.
I found this, by my formerYW's leader.
I think everybody needs to hear it:



Less than two days ago, [my daughter's] friend took his life.  Last night she came home from a 90-minute candlelight vigil held in his honor.  As I looked at her puffy red eyes, a flood of memories came back to me.  When I was her age, I had decided to do the same thing.

Obviously, I didn’t do it or else I wouldn’t be able to write this note.  I can count on one hand the number of people I have ever told about this.  But because this is the third suicide in a month in my community, I’ve decided to go public as to (1) why I wanted to die and (2) why I didn’t die.

I decided to commit suicide for two main reasons.  First, I wanted to exact revenge on my bully.  I figured this would be the most effective way to inflict on her the kind of pain I thought she was inflicting on me.  My plan was to leave a note saying it was all her fault and she should blame herself for my death.  I fantasized about how miserable and tormented she would be knowing that she caused this.

Second, I felt like I wasn’t an earthly being having spiritual experiences, but that I was a spiritual being having earthly experiences (I still feel that way).  I was tired of being away from my Heavenly Father and all the trials and heartache associated with living on earth.  I missed God and wanted to be with Him.

I finally came very close to actually doing it when my dad unknowingly stopped me.  That jolted me into the reality of what I was doing.  I realized that I was looking at a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  While I knew that I would create heartache for my bully, I realized that heartache wouldn’t last forever.  Eventually she’d be able to deal with her feelings of guilt.  She’d grow up, get married, have children, and live a full life.  I never would.  It finally dawned on me that my plan for revenge was punishing me far more than her.

The other reason why I didn’t do it was fear of what would happen to me when I died.  I was afraid that Heavenly Father would be mad at me for what I did in order to see Him.  As a result, I was afraid it meant that I would be separated from Him because I broke the commandment “Thou shalt not kill.” This seemed worse than being separated from Him on earth.  I have no idea what happens to people who choose to take their own life.  As a 14-year-old, I decided I didn’t want to find out.

Less than six months later, my cousin killed himself on the one-year anniversary of his best friend’s suicide.  Watching the pain and heartache my aunt went through, and how hard it was for my dad to try to comfort her, I knew that I had made the right choice.  Not only would I have punished my bully, I would have punished those who loved me as well, my friends and family.  I committed to myself that I would never ever again consider suicide as an option.  I’m proud to say that 29 years later, I never have.


(Hi. It's me again)
Please, don't ever commit suicide. It's the wrong kind of attention. Really.