Another shot.

It has literally been 8 months since I last posted on my blog.

I kind of missed it.

But also kind of not. (I'll explain that in a bit)

Here's a quick rundown of what I've been up to recently (if you don't follow me on Twitter. If you do, you can probably skip this bit)

-I ran two 5Ks

-I got in a car crash

-I learned to drive a manual

-I developed an unhealthy obsession with a certain British actor.

-Senior year!

-Senior pics!

-I became Laurels president

-I completed my last year or marching band (sob)

-I became 'addicted' to Pinterest

-I joined the school newspaper

-I found happiness

That last item is why I haven't really been blogging recently.

See, I used to use my blog for my emotional rants. If I was sad, depressed, angry, lusting for blood, or overly infatuated with a boy, I would blog about it.

Then I realized, I was annoying the living daylights out of everyone who read my blog.

So, I stopped.

For a while, I stopped because I was still overly emotional, and didn't want to risk posting about it on my blog.

After that ended, I realized I needed to be happier in my outlook, and so I started searching for the silver lining.

I've gotten quite good at it, if I do say so myself. 

So, I think I'm ready to give this blogging thing another shot.

Bekah's newfound positive outlook is ready for launch.

Here we go.

On Serious Topics, Like Suicide

This is the second suicide of a kid in my school system.
His name was Tyler, and he was in ninth grade.
The first was Sydney, and she was a senior.
I was so grateful as I was scrolling through Facebook today.
I found this, by my formerYW's leader.
I think everybody needs to hear it:

~~~~~~~

WHY I DIDN'T COMMIT SUICIDE, BY SISTER PACK

Less than two days ago, [my daughter's] friend took his life.  Last night she came home from a 90-minute candlelight vigil held in his honor.  As I looked at her puffy red eyes, a flood of memories came back to me.  When I was her age, I had decided to do the same thing.

Obviously, I didn’t do it or else I wouldn’t be able to write this note.  I can count on one hand the number of people I have ever told about this.  But because this is the third suicide in a month in my community, I’ve decided to go public as to (1) why I wanted to die and (2) why I didn’t die.

WHY I WANTED TO DIE
I decided to commit suicide for two main reasons.  First, I wanted to exact revenge on my bully.  I figured this would be the most effective way to inflict on her the kind of pain I thought she was inflicting on me.  My plan was to leave a note saying it was all her fault and she should blame herself for my death.  I fantasized about how miserable and tormented she would be knowing that she caused this.

Second, I felt like I wasn’t an earthly being having spiritual experiences, but that I was a spiritual being having earthly experiences (I still feel that way).  I was tired of being away from my Heavenly Father and all the trials and heartache associated with living on earth.  I missed God and wanted to be with Him.

WHY I DIDN’T DIE
I finally came very close to actually doing it when my dad unknowingly stopped me.  That jolted me into the reality of what I was doing.  I realized that I was looking at a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  While I knew that I would create heartache for my bully, I realized that heartache wouldn’t last forever.  Eventually she’d be able to deal with her feelings of guilt.  She’d grow up, get married, have children, and live a full life.  I never would.  It finally dawned on me that my plan for revenge was punishing me far more than her.

The other reason why I didn’t do it was fear of what would happen to me when I died.  I was afraid that Heavenly Father would be mad at me for what I did in order to see Him.  As a result, I was afraid it meant that I would be separated from Him because I broke the commandment “Thou shalt not kill.” This seemed worse than being separated from Him on earth.  I have no idea what happens to people who choose to take their own life.  As a 14-year-old, I decided I didn’t want to find out.

Less than six months later, my cousin killed himself on the one-year anniversary of his best friend’s suicide.  Watching the pain and heartache my aunt went through, and how hard it was for my dad to try to comfort her, I knew that I had made the right choice.  Not only would I have punished my bully, I would have punished those who loved me as well, my friends and family.  I committed to myself that I would never ever again consider suicide as an option.  I’m proud to say that 29 years later, I never have.

~~~

(Hi. It's me again)
Please, don't ever commit suicide. It's the wrong kind of attention. Really.

My Wage

I bargained with Life for a penny,

And Life would pay no more

However I begged at evening

When I counted by scanty store.

For Life is a just employer

He gives you what you ask

But once you have set the wages

Why, you must bear the task

I worked for a menial's hire

Only to learn, dismayed,

That any wage I had asked of Life

Life would have paid.

-Jessie B. Rittenhouse

Don't settle for less.

Set your wage high,

And let Life pay you back.

revamped. again.

Yeah, I revamped my blog.
Again.
I'm turning into a real Mormon-teenage-girl-who's-also-a-blogger.
I like the dark grey better than I liked the white.

Welcome to Mostly Wise Words
(formerly surreal dreams and broken means)

New Years and Kissing, Part 2

For Part 1, click here.

Yeah, I got kissed on the cheek.
First time I've been kissed by a guy- ever!- that's not in my family.
Whoo hoo!

Most people don't consider that a "real" kiss.
Which I accept. Good for you.

Let me tell you WHY I'm grateful for this experience.
It's not because Ifinally "had my first kiss" or whatever.
On the contrary, I'm grateful because I realized something.

I realized I'm SCARED TO DEATH of my first kiss.

Yup. Sounds about right.
I have not yet kissed a guy, not "really", according to all you literalists.
And I'm scared to death of it.

It's probably not healthy.
But I'm glad I realize this, anyways.

New Years and Kissing Part 1

Sometimes I'm a super romantic.
Like New Years Eve.
I'd be lying if I wasn't half-hoping that someone would kiss me.
You know, something like this:

D'awww

It was kind of a lamo night, to start with.
None of my friends, besides the ones in the SYC, were there.
I was pretty much alone.

Don't get me wrong; it was fun to do all the stuff I do with the SYC, like raffle and handing out noisemakers.
But it wasn't really the same.

So, in my state of loneliness, I found myself wandering the dance floor like a loner about 5 minutes before midnight.
I felt pretty happy; the night had gone well and work hadn't ended badly, like it does some nights.
Suddenly one of my few friends that was there grabs my hand and pulls me to the middle of the dance floor, right underneath where we had strung the balloons a few hours before.

"You have to be right here at midnight," he said. "It's really cool to watch the balloons go over you."
I agreed, and spent the next five minutes just partying it up with the strangers from Highland around me.
(Yeah, we get people from Highland at our dances. Be jealous.)

So we get to that point with the countdown.
3...2...1...
(Side note: At this point I have abandoned all hope for a New Years kiss, just like I do every year. It's not like I'm heartbroken or anything, I've just accepted that it's not going to happen)
Anyways.
Whoo hoo! Screaming and cheering and balloons cascading around my face. It's an adventure.
Suddenly:
A warm, kind of moist-ish feeling on my cheek.
........
What?
A kiss?
A cheek kiss at that, but a KISS?
Head spinning, cheeks flushing, all that nonsense.

I will forever be eternally grateful for my friend who kissed me at the stroke of midnight.
Even if it was a cheek kiss.
I'll explain more in part 2.

I got nothing.

I got onto my blog today.
I was all like "I'm going to blog today!"
And then I got to the "Create New Post" page.
I got nothing.